01. The history of violence (1)

My life got boring, so I decided to destroy it spectacularly.

<14.OCT.2017 in Instagram.>

I am pretty much fucked.

Suddenly, that first famous sentence from Martian came to my mind. I stared into those eyes, wondered if maybe I spoke something wrong or with a bad pronunciation, and spoke again: loud and clear.

“Excuse me, would you tell me how to get to this hotel? Please.”

However, what I got was his shaky eyes to the point of embarrassment.  Thinking, how dare I compare myself with Marc, who was left behind alone on Mars, but I felt totally alone among those many people as just like him. It was possible to feel like that due to solo travel; on the other hand, I didn’t expect the possibility to feel this way after only a four-hour flight from Incheon Airport, Korea, straight away. My easygoing thinking, still, this is a popular tourist city, there would be no problem communicating in English to some degree, shattered, at the bus ticket counter at the airport.

The guy who gave me those eyes at the counter smiled awkwardly. He spoke with his co-workers in Chinese. And then left me with the short words ‘Wait, ‘ and went somewhere else. There was a big line behind me. I felt embarrassed for making them wait too long, so I grabbed my heavy backpack tightly. My shoulders were painful. Without the plan, I stuffed my backpack with too many things, even though I knew the pack needed to be lighter. A 27kg backpack was on my back, a 7kg backpack was on my front, and a small side bag was on my right shoulder. I never carried those kinds of heavy packs, even during my first travel to Europe when I was twenty. Furthermore, my body, which had never had a hard workout, barely held those loads, probably weighing the same as the pack for a march in the army.

After a whole lot of minutes, the guy came back with the other worker. Fortunately, he could speak English a little bit. It was hard to understand that unusual accent, but with short sentences, I could find out how to go to the hostel and could get a ticket.

Holding a ticket and a change, I walked to the bus terminal with my monster, a big bag. All the signs written in Chinese made me panic. Luckily, I could take the bus following the lead of an officer.

The bus was not that fancy. I, who used to limousine buses in Korea, was reminded of the old city bus I took in the old days; I could smell of the cigarette sucked into the seats. However, I was glad I could be free from my heavy bags and sit down. Even so, I was unnecessarily nervous to miss the stop because it was the last stop I had to go to.

The bus ran. The view appeared similar to Korea except for the Chinese signs. Only the smoggy sky told me there was air pollution compared to Seoul. After one hour, the bus stopped at the destination. I got off the bus, took my big bag, as big as my body, and thought, ‘Fuck, what did I put it in?’ I tried to ignore people who looked at me as something weirdo.

With my red face, because of the embarrassment or physical work, I walked to the subway station. Just like a turtle, I crawled down the stairs into the underground. And as soon as I faced the security gate right before the ticket office, I said, “Fuck!”. Frankly, Chinese police checked all the luggage going to the subway. That meant I had to put my bag down and carry it again. Ah- I moaned from deep in my mind that I had no choice. No matter where I go, there are unbreakable rules: when in Rome, do as Romans do.

At least the police helped me carry the bags, even though they had poor English. The subway was built recently and was tidier and much cleaner than the bus. Except for having to squeeze myself and my bags into the packed subway, it was all good to go to Belfry.

The hostel was not far from the subway station. Because the hostel was located in a narrow alley and had no maps, I lost my way. In the end, I arrived safely at the accommodation. Due to the cheap price, I didn’t expect that much of a facility; luckily, it was tidy enough to stay. Most of all, the room I booked, the six mixed dormitories, had only one roommate, a Brazilian girl, A. She was lying down on her bed, but welcomed me politely. A seemed bright and kind. She introduced herself, talked about where she was today, and advised me not to miss the hot pot party in the hostel tonight. Thanks to her chatty character, my nerves were loosened and erased the thought that I was alone in the strange place. Of course, also because I got free from my huge bag.

“Yeah, I know. Most of them can’t speak English, but they are nice people. You will find out.”

When I talked about what happened at the airport, she made sure I had nothing to worry about, insinuating her experience. She said she needed to sleep, but also mentioned the possibility of seeing her later at the hot-pot party. I lifted my heavy butt from the bed. After a long way to get here, including a flight, I felt tired, probably as much as A, but I didn’t want to waste my time from the first day. Also, I needed to buy a U-SIM during one month of travel in China, even though there was wifi in the hostel. I send messages to my mom and friends letting them know I arrived safely. And as the hostel was located in the city centre, I decided to go nearby before sunset.

My anxiety blurred away, and my mind started filling up with excitement to look around the strange place. That excitement led me on this trip, and this feeling made me dream about travelling freely all along after the first European trip. Therefore, my body felt weirdly lighter, so I could step out.

It was the beginning of my wild travel.

A friend, L, made me decide to pick China as my first destination. Due to a student exchange program, she went to China for two years. She mentioned it while drinking. From her tough life in a foreign country to learning Chinese calligraphy, nevertheless her loneliness and language difficulty, she sucked off herself and finished all her semesters. And whenever she talked about it, it showed her strong mind at that time. One of the stories she always told me was about the chicken hot pot in the Tiger Leaping Gorge. After tracking the rough mountain, she tasted that hot pot, a memory she never forgot. I wondered if she remembered it all these years because of the hard workout or the unforgettable taste of hot pot. I never guessed, but because of that, I started searching for travel in China.

Xi’an seemed a good starting point. I planned to go to Vietnam through Jiuzhaigou and the Tiger Leaping Gorge, where L went. And I was not fond of big cities like Beijing or Shanghai, rather go to a historical and more interesting city. Therefore, Xi’an was the perfect city for me; The city of ancient history, the destination of the Silk Road, also named ‘Chang’an’.

From B.C. 220, ancient Han to the Tang dynasty, this city was developed as a capital city. Therefore, this city still had a lot of historical sites; the rampart around the city, the Belfry in the middle of the city, and also the street of Huizu, which was where I was heading. The Silk Road is the historical trade road from China to Eurasia. Hui are Islamic people who came from Persia, and the street of Huizu was where they stayed after getting married to the Chinese. The street developed as a huge market due to the trade people who came and went, and still, there were a lot of food and items combined with Islam and Chinese culture.

From the entrance, I was swallowed by the crowd. I could smell different kinds of spices. There were some street foods I knew, and also strange foods I had never seen before. My eyes got bigger as to looked around at every unusual thing. I got a pomegranate juice in my hand and moved deep into the alleys. I remember the documentary that said I must eat noodles in Xi’an, however, I didn’t easily open my mouth while already feeling a headache because of language difficulty. Even if I could, I still felt that saving some money, and also thought I better to join the free hot-pot party in the hostel for dinner. Still, I walked around and looked around, sometimes thinking about what I would eat the next day.

At that time, I still had four million won, which is three grand US dollars or five grand NZ dollars, however, I couldn’t spend it freely due to the travel which unable to guess how long it would be. So I tightened my budget, even though I tried to experience enough to eat and do things.

After a short walk in the street of Huizu, I went back to the hostel for joining to join the hot-pot party. In the lobby, there was a bar, a few tables set up for hot pot, and some people were getting around there. Surprisingly, most of them are European. It was a shame I couldn’t find any Koreans, but at least they could speak English! To be honest, I didn’t want to feel alone from the first day. Nevertheless, my English was not perfect, but I could have a short chat with them while having some fresh beers. And I am glad for that.

Faced strangers, put meat on skewers into the broth and ate it, I thought about L, the culprit who made me come to here in China. The anger from the last fight was already gone, however, I could not call her up because of my useless pride and also worries about another fight from my shaky nerves. While conversing with strangers, I drew her face on their faces.

What is she doing now? Is she still suffering from her horrible job? Does she still remember that hot-pot restaurant near Dearim Station we went to?

Where are you now?

It is my gift that brings out old memories from little things. I usually act rationally, but sometimes I become very emotional. The reason for my behaviour probably came from a family background in the past, I pressed my emotions, otherwise I would get scolded.

On the other hand, L is straightforward; just like the child doesn’t know how to lie. For that, people had a lot of misunderstandings about her, but also, that was also the reason I liked her. It would be a lie that her childish behaviour is not annoying at all, but L was the only person who could open my mind and try to hide my honesty. Therefore, I could be myself completely in front of her. Of course, that was the reason we fought most of the time.

“I’m going to leave.”

I always put that word in my mouth. Whenever I did, she just said, ‘Go for it’, but also talked about her experiences in China and how hard it was to live in a strange land. She, who pretty much speaks straightforward, couldn’t deny my hopeful wish, so bearly said that stories to make a point in her way, ‘There’s no place like home.’

“Do you know what I did when I came back to Korea? I munched on Kimchi in front of the TV in the middle of the night. My mom thought I was out of my mind!”

She giggled, but I assumed it must be the hardest time of her life at that moment. From time to time, I imagined her sitting in a Chinese restaurant and talking to a stranger. It made me laugh and feel sorry to think about her desperation; To eat rice, but she didn’t know how to speak about it, so she asked a stranger who ate fried rice, pointed to that dish, and said, “What is this name?” What would she think if she saw me now?; stumbling around in China. Would she feel sorry? Or would she laugh just like I did?

After having the shower and lying down on the bed, I brought up old, old memories. At that hot-pot restaurant, when L missed China, we ordered a big hot-pot dish, ate all of it, and drank three bottles of soju without conversation. I couldn’t remember what the issue was at that time. Things we got through in the wild society were sharp and hurtful, but I was also glad to have someone who could stand together, even if not speaking. Even though as I grew, I found out my family background was not usual, she was my shelter to run away from home. To remind her, I don’t know why, maybe because of the first day in China, or hot pot, or the realisation of becoming alone.

The bed was not as comfortable as I used to have. But the sleep came through me after all the short but long journey.  And the dream covered my eyes like the memories all over me. I closed my eyes with a question. Even on that day of memory, this lonely time passed, would this story become something I could talk to L about one day? As I thought, my shrink mind released a bit. Therefore, I could have a deep, deep sleep, and even the dream couldn’t bother me.